I messaged him. Of course I did. On Sunday at 7pm I sent a text saying hello, welcome back, call me if you can... then left my phone alone for the rest of the evening, telling myself I really didn't care if I heard from him or not.
I guess it had to happen eventually. Today, I have an itch so bad I could scratch my skin off to have any contact with him. It's all-consuming, I'm trying to focus on Other Things, but my mind keeps going back to him.
I've felt a lot more positive today. I've been hit by a few intense waves of missing him - seeing Facebook notifications on my phone and hoping they're from him. But I've kept busy and they've passed.
I'm tired today. Exhausted. Tired of trying not run from my feelings for him. Tired of being swept along by them. Tired of the battles I have to fight at every turn. But mostly, the battles are with myself. I know that. I think.
Today I remind myself of the need for self-respect, self-love. I lost it all. When I look at my other relationships and friendships with friends and family I can't think of a single person that I have to always initiate contact with. It's reciprocal. It's effortless. But with 'him', I always have to initiate. Over time, that slowly wore away at my self-respect until I felt worthless.
Today I feel...unsure. Should I be writing this? Isn't the aim to move away from him? Won't writing about him, even if not directly, somehow put him front and center in my thoughts? I'm absolutely 100% certain on something though: and that's that I need to move on. I need to be done. I'm just unsure of what that looks like right now.